Sneezing Frog1,300 calories

Venti Chantico

I used to carpool to work with a friend. We had a routine; Patrick would pick me up, we'd hit Starbucks for a cup of joe, then head in. Very civilized.

One day, we noticed a new offering on the big board'o'splendor; the Chantico. Drinkable chocolate. Free samples available.

We like free samples.
Chantico.  Purest Evil.
The free sample came in a six-ounce cup; it turned out this was the standard size in which Chantico was dispensed. It was chocolatey. Ridiculously chocolatey. The kind of chocolatey where you figure they just melted a Hershey bar into the cup.

Which wasn't far from the truth. Apparently this fine concoction was composed of cocoa powder, cocoa butter, whole milk, and sugar. Lots and lots of sugar. 390 calories in that six-ounce cup. Booyah.

The next day, we resolved to surprise the morning gang at work by bringing a few of these in.

However, Patrick felt that the six-ounce versions were inadequate, and ordered Ventis.

What follows is my personal trip report.

Don't try this.


Trip Report

0825: Arrive Starbucks.
0826: Order 4 Venti Chanticos.
0828: Baristas finally convinced we do really want 4 Venti Chanticos. They demand cash in advance.
0852: Chanticos finally created.
0853: Discussion with Patrick regarding potential leakage from substandard cups. We agree that the material is too thick to pour, much less leak.
0910: Arrive at work. Chanticos distributed.
0915: My Chantico consumed.
0925: Somewhat thirsty. Consume one gallon of water.
0945: Realize that I haven't blinked in 30 minutes. Eyes a bit dry.
0955: Second gallon of water consumed.
1015: Patrick has shapeshifted into a large bird. Weird.
1016: I can see radio waves.
1017: Still a bit thirsty. Third gallon of water consumed.
1025: I am apparently vibrating at the fundamental frequency of the universe, and can walk through walls. Neato.
1045: Out of body experience; transported to the mountains of Colombia.
1046: Meet Juan Valdez and his burro. Bastard only serves decaf. I'm outta here.
1056: Hold brief conversation with small bird outside my window, in Swahili.
1100: Still a bit thirsty. Fourth gallon of water.
1105: Realize the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. Forget to write it down.
1120: Phase shifting through solid objects taking a bit of effort now. Bit of a headache starting.
1145: Headache worsening.
1155: There are demons in my head. Playing kettledrums.
1215: Wonder if anyone around me will be injured when my head explodes. If I live, I will kill Patrick.
1415: I have no memory of the preceeding two hours.


Sales of Chantico were stopped not long after this experience.